JELLY OF THE MONTH CLUB

When he was handing me the sealed envelope it was like that Alex Olson song in the new Lakai video, "You used to be so beautiful..." Then I opened it up and saw the week little sum I would still be taxed on, "And now your gonna die die die die die."
The last possible thing I expected before Christmas is getting royally screwed by my job. My Christmas bonus was literally ninety percent less than it was last year, and I worked three times as hard. There aren't going to be too many posts from here on out until the new year. I need to distance myself from photography.
It probably wasn't the best move to call in with all my vulgarities and scream at my boss.
Don't let this happen to you. If you worked your ass off and get screwed and don't say anything then they'll keep taking advantage. All I needed was a good excuse, now I have one.
Of course it's demeaning when he tells me this and that about when he was my age and he was a little broke and he had to sell his guitar but realized twenty years later when his father was sick that Christmas isn't about money, it's about family.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I screamed in my head and told him I had to get off the phone.
All the meanwhile I had two friends outside my car with the windows getting foggy and the doors locked.
Give me a Goose Island, I'm out.

SLICED UP.

You know your girlfriend is rad when she slices you with a razor blade. Congrats on the homemade butterfly stitch, you're like Swayze in "Road House."

WINTRY MIX

It is nasty outside. Luckily I put on my spiky snow tires the other day on the Marquis or I would have surely gotten into an accident. Snow tires are a must, I highly recommend them for anyone with a car near snow.

OLD MAN, LOOK AT MY LIFE, I'M A LOT LIKE YOU WERE.

FORGET ABOUT IT JAKE, IT'S CHINATOWN

Wasn't too hyped on his bloggable exposure.

YOU BETTER NOT POUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY.

So it must be mentioned that I had some drinks on Sunday night but I got home safely and ended up watching half of "Enemy Mine" (An epic movie for those who knew what was happening when the Bears won their last championship and a severe disappointment for anyone oblivious to it.) I woke up feeling sincerely ill, stiff body aching, headache from hell. I felt like I'd guzzled a bottle of Nighttrain with a bunch of flu'd up bums on the Bowery.
Of course I made the serious mistake of agreeing to do some photo assignments because I need the work, even though I'd already puked a good number of times.
What I had can be called double trouble. Waking up thinking it's a hangover, but it's actually the twenty-four hour flu.
My first public pukings were shy and timid like a little boy on his first day of school. Ducking into the dead end near 120th street and 135th avenue In South Ozone Park while on assignment and opening my car door. Until some screw-ball pulled up right behind me with his car running and was just watching me. Creepy.
But after my second assignment and stuck in traffic, stomach violently thrusting, I had overcome that shy-ness and would just pull out of traffic near any old curb, open my door and let the world see the sickness within me come out. Bile and foamy, teeth feeling disgustingly chalky. Headache still getting worse at three am on Tuesday morning. Ouch is the word. I couldn't take any alkaseltzer because there was absolutely nothing in my stomach. Rough days.
So don't share any glasses with anyone and wash yo hands thoroughly because there's some kind of monster twenty four hour flu going around. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE.

MY LITTLE DEUCE COUPE.

Its bad enough your car is dead and you have to push into a parallel park, but now you got some kid taking photo's right after hitting that doller menu at Wendy's. I've almost perfected the art of someone screaming at me and me acting completely oblivious to it. It really helps if you mush a bunch of words together and make a rainman voice and catch them off guard by saying something like, "Me randy 'gon lollipops with unicorns and Spielbergs." They'll be like, "Ahh, just leave that kid alone and let's figure out where to get a new car battery."