Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Better than Roger Lodge from "Blind Date," much better than Rog from "What's Happening," and certainly doing work that is the readable form comparable to Roger Waters. It's that guy that is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
Just by going to the store to get a quarter juice this girl made my day, check that board!

This guy is famous for something or other. I don't remember what it is but I could just imagine him at Barney Greengrass at Amsterdam and 86th and not even knowing him think to myself, "Damn, that guy is famous for something or other."

The best D.J in New York, alongside Delicate, IXL, and Language.
Stumbling upon the cooking of a Hobo Stew.... priceless

The new Huckleberry Finn's of our time.
Spying on people with a telephoto is super creepy.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Crystal Kuntz vs. Knutson

I read the Economist today, the New York Times, Financial Times, the New Yorker, and Albin's blog at Young today. Still none of them had me as intrigued as the Judge Judy episode that was poppin' off in Queens.
Judge Judy Revolts against Kuntz and Knutson, she went on to tell them they were both satanic and flashed some Helter Skelter sign.

Knutson gave it her all.

Crystal Kuntz in the flesh. The girl in the back left ponders her namesake, the devil on her other shoulder laughs the day away.

Ok ok, I know, never again.

Catnails under the mistletoe

The Beast got in a barfight and ended up at the hospital. Woke up, didn't know where he was, and walked out still wearing the smock they gave him. On the train ride home a couple people asked if he was a doctor, and he indeed replied by telling them he was a veterinarian. "Yeah, I'm in the amputee section, had to do a couple cats legs today. Look here, one of them scratched me." And he held up his arm to show where the cats nails had broke skin. Then he went on, "Ya'know, the usual." And everyone on the train looked at him in absolute disbelief and horror. But I gotta say, it certainly was a momentous occasion in the kitchen hearing the retelling of that story!

The beagle has landed.

So I was sick of the world, sick of my job and girlfriend and every friend I ever had so I decided to take a walk uptown. A couple bourbons in Harlem will make you feel like a million bucks and as the night went on I found myself hanging in some spot on 145th and Broadway. I went straight to the back and acted like I was reading.
I knew this guy was CIA because he walked past me in the bathroom and said "Serpentine on top. Flailing little. Suddenly." And I took that to be some kind of code, sort of like "The eagle has landed."
I knew he was full of it when he was sitting in front of this piano still giving code to a couple of officials in the black van parked outside so I egged him on, "You gonna play that thing or what? You lousy jerk!" So he played the easiest song that even little Johnny B. Goode could've played with one hand.

So my bourbon and taunting session becomes more elaborate, I've got ten people booing the guy and one lady with a short red skirt threw an empty hi-ball of ice cubes at the guy. Ouch!
But he'd had enough.

Then he had to go and show off by playing Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" with one hand. I got one last scream in, "Ya god-damned show off!" Before quietly exiting with glass in pocket.

Monday, May 21, 2007

A quarter ain't worth a wasted dream, ya jerk!

On recent assignment for the newspaper I had to go shoot a Cancer Walk at Atlantic and 125th. I got there right when it was beginning and no one was really there, afterall it was raining out. Taking full benefit of my 1989 Grand Marquis I decided to put the seat back and take a nap until more people showed up. That is, until some guy woke me up asking me for a quarter. C'mon guy, is it really worth waking me up? I feel bad and all but I had to scream at the guy semi-nicely.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

The Confederate States of America

I would suspect this is highly illegal. Just because you have a confederate uniform and you think about strange things in the past, such as the Civil War. I'm not so sure it gives you the right to load up a gun in Queens old style and start firing all over the place. Lot's of car alarms going off.

The Civil War ain't over yet to these folks.

While you knuckleheads are worried about modelling shoots and the proper dosage of olive oil for waffles I'm kicking it with the Federation of Black Cowboys. The best part is the guy third left with glasses was walking over for the photo real slow, and he's 95 years old, and his friends were screaming at him, "Hurry the hell up, we gotta go!"

Friday, May 18, 2007

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Saturday, May 12, 2007

So many things going on, my front porch sounds most interesting.

This kid is all grown up inside, he told me he was a performance aritst with Herculean strength and then opened the hydrant and whispered in my ear, "You'll see the wrath of little Caliente, yes, you will see! They will all see!" I didn't see his parents anywhere and he told me he had just gotten off the C train for a nice walk because he had clocked out early.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Carol called it a double chin. Bourne told me I had a "mini keg" down in the stomach area. But nobody ever really thought I would let it all go and destroy the buffet day after day after day until I couldn't even get my foot inside this vulcanized size thirteen.

It's been perfect in NY lately, so I've been blasting the last two minutes of Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" and playing that over and over. The Beast screams to turn it down and I motion to turn it up. Then I go do something really soft like plant seeds in front of my house. Don't front on the Hybrid Tomato Jet Star, the Marglobe (Wilt Resistant), the Sweet Corn, the Sugar Ann Snap Peas, and I know your not talking about those Blisseville Slashdog Watermelons?! Don't poke fun and then ask me for a nice ripe tomato while I'm bottling some home brew.

Lady Pink is the best thing that ever happened to Queens, but coming close in second I gotta hand an award over to the people with taco trucks that are open all night long.

How many times did I have to push this little old lady off like Momma bird?! No, you can't stay here forever, go out there and be somebody!

The best thing about growing up near the Blue Line is the fact that I might have accidentally bumped into one of the "Heavy Metal Artists" while buying a pack of 1988 Donruss and making fun/admiring Andre Dawson's haircut. (Inside Jerry's, of Course. Buying smoke mammoth's of course!)

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


I've never been to Hunter College. But some nights hanging out with Harold I would shut my mouth, listen, and I'd enter Harold Hunter College. Now watch, some kid's gonna make that t-shirt. Rest in Peace Harold.

Brendan done got married...

Everyone in the church thought I was a jerk because I had my hat on, I didn't even realize it.

Another person Albin interviewed, Ben Tausig makes cross-word puzzles for a living and he's smarter than anyone I know. So I said, "Get in the Flower shop you god-damned tulip."

This is one of those moments when people drink so much they don't even realize your inside the same room as them.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

She's got everything she needs, she's an artist, she don't look bad.

The best thing about having a fire in your apartment these days is the fact that firemen make it so easy for you to move out. Instead of having to move all your prized possessions down the five flights of steps they throw it all out the window and really save you the hassle. What sounds better than running in a place with a hose, breaking everything, then throwing everything out the window? Maybe just a Mister Softee on a June-ish day.

The best thing about working for a newspaper is they send you to Cancer events in Flushing-Meadows Park. You get there and drive all the way down Roosevelt Ave, then down Willets Bay, then around Shea, then the tennis stadium, then you park at the globe and ask everyone where the Cancer benefit is and even the cop says, "I think I would know about a cancer event in my park!" It's at this point you realize you've been had by the Editor once again and sent to a fake assignment that doesn't even exist. But you can always make the best of it and be the creepy skateboarder with holes in his shoes and no board watching all the other skaters, with a camera.
This kid did a three flip nosegrind half cab out across the grate but I missed it, whoops.

Once again the kids win the prize for coolness. I went straight out after this and bought streamers and a full red jogging gear.

The kids were skating good and all but this kid had the smoothest, most effortless style. Even though I don't own a company I told him I wanted to sponsor him. Please don't mistake the bike in the background for the girl with the streamers. That girl don't need no training wheels!